Hurting Myself (and other emotionally crippling hogwash)
Better late than never eh!? Not sure how this is going to go or what is going to come out, but let’s open the chest and see what happens…
“Are you watching me now, all alone in this place? Are you seeing me cry? Oh, how I miss your face, and the warmth of your smile. The light in your eyes. There was no fare thee well, and there was no goodbye”
So, a few years ago I had a pretty rough go. I’ve spoken about it in pieces to individuals here and there, but never on a bigger or deeper scale, usually as quick rapid fire for shock value… I do have a pretty dark sense of humor. Four years ago (July 27th, 2018) I closed on my house. I bought a house in Sycamore on my own with the hope of one day having a partner. I was working at a factory at the time and making good money… not enjoying anything really, because of the hours and toll it took on my body, but sometimes we just see money. Any ways, in the process of finding and buying a house Laura and I had become a thing. This is someone I’ve known since I was like fourteen. Her and I were close immediately when we first met, she was my friends with my brother, and she became like a big sister to me. We remained close friends for the next twenty years. I’m not getting into the details or the hoopla surrounding the situation, but there was a noticeable shift in our dynamic and we were open to it. It was really amazing… like two people that had been on auto pilot for years and the lights had dimmed just came alive again and were beaming. So, the plan evolved wonderfully in to; let’s live together. She was going to move in with me. As I said I closed on my house on the 27th of July 2018 and started moving stuff in that day. I remember she stayed over that weekend even though I had no furniture yet, we were going to use her couch and a few other things. Her stuff was being delivered by professional movers the following week. One thing I did set up was my blu ray collection. I used to have a massive blu ray collection, at least 1500 movies. Anyone who has had a conversation with me about something I enjoy knows I can carried away easily and ramble for a long time. She sat on the floor next to me as I alphabetized my collection… and listened, genuinely and intently, as I not only organized but spoke about every single piece of that collection at length. I know that may sound trivial or even downright stupid, but it has become a defining moment for me in regard to what I want/need out of people I’m close to. I know I can be too much, and I can be annoying… but man… in that moment. We had been together for a few months at that point, and honestly, I was apprehensive or trying to be protective given the hoopla I’m not getting in to here. But in that moment, I was in… one hundred percent, in a way I’ve never felt before. We started a change jar also. When the change jar was full, we would go to the thrift store and each of us got to dress the other for a night out… it was my idea, and one I still love and hope to do one day… … … That change jar was never filled, the moving truck never made it…just a couple boxes she brought that weekend…our last weekend. August 7th, 2018, Laura passed away. I texted her that evening excited with an image saying I hung the first thing up at the house. She was already gone by the time that was sent.
“How lucky I ever was to see, the way that you smiled at me. Your little moon face shining bright at me.”
When I originally had the thought to write this, I was going to write a bit about each person I had lost that year. I’m sorry, but after all that I just said I just can’t right now. Laura’s loss was preceded by my father, grandma, and a best friend’s girlfriend who I also adored, and Laura’s passing was followed by another close friend’s passing and then my boss at the time committing suicide. All of these things happened inside a year. But I digress. After Laura was gone being at the house was… different, I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. I suppose realistically I couldn’t enjoy anything for quite a while. I’ve been really unkind to myself for real long time. I’ve been a real downer for a long time also. This isn’t about my struggle with grief or some inspirational comeback story. This is about me, just my old broken-down self and how I’m done pretending… which brings us too now. Yesterday is gone, and I’ll forever look back and smile and I’ll look back and cry. But where am I now!?
“I’m trying to get better because I haven’t been my best, she took a plain black marker, started writing on my chest. She drew a line across the middle of my broken heart, and said: ‘Come on now, let’s fix this mess.’ We could get better, because we’re not dead yet”
For the first time in longer than I can remember I feel good mentally. Don’t get me wrong some days are easier than others, but overall, there’s been a shift somewhere in the recent past that made me not want to live in this cloud of broken-down sadness. If I thought for a minute, it was probably triggered by Dan’s passing a few months ago. There is way too much to be excited for in life. Every moment takes a million miracles, and we’re lucky enough to be a part of that in a myriad of ways. Even the horrible traumatic things I have been through become these reminders of something absolutely wonderful. I understand that sounds weird, and some people may never get there with their own experiences, and that is ok… you don’t have to. I grew up in an abusive environment, I know about resentment and wishing things were different… and holding on to trauma. While I can say the trauma I endured growing up became the road map to how not to treat kids/people, I am still uncomfortable around healthy loving families. That is where it becomes a day-by-day thing I try to work on, but the over arching piece remains the same. It’s almost like a video game where you get to choose your stats, do you want to be empathetic and genuinely care how people feel… then this is going to hurt for a while… or do you want to be entitled and selfish, then you’re going to have a great time… for now. Of course, that’s a generalization some people are abused and want the world to feel as bad, and some people are well loved and spread love. We all have our little story. Thanks for listening to my little rambling story here… like usual it has no point save the fact that I carry stuff around as long as possible and never want to burden someone by unloading my thoughts on them, so I type it out periodically. I suppose we can wrap this up here in a moment, I do just have a few more random thoughts.
“All I want is for you to be happy, and take this moment to make you my family, and finally you have found someone perfect, and finally you have found yourself”
A thought I had while typing this out I forgot to shoehorn in there was this; when someone is dealing with a loss, please don’t tell them to be strong or stay strong. I get it, you’re trying to help, and your heart and intentions are in a beautiful place. However, it’s important to let people feel… no matter how messy it gets. The more important thing is letting them know you’ll be there to hold or lift them up when they fall apart. My final thought… let’s talk on the phone or meet for lunch/dinner. I know texting is wonderful and convenient, that’s all fine and dandy. I want to connect for real though. Having a twenty-minute phone conversation is amazing! Tell me things I don’t know about you… I’m so sick of pretending I know what’s going on in people’s lives because I see their facebook posts. Facebook is not a real place, and while you can spin whatever narrative you’d like, I want to know the real you again. Let’s make time to go out to dinner or do lunch or just meet up and have a walk or something. The point is let’s have a real conversation. I don’t just mean let’s blow smoke up each other’s ass but speak plainly and honestly. If you’re having a rough time let’s talk about, if I’m having a rough time, let’s talk about it. We’re here for each other and I don’t want anyone to feel alone.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
Thank you so much, I am genuinely grateful for this opportunity to be heard, it means more than I can explain. Apologies, I did not get as deep as I had hoped… it was just too much for right now.
I Love You All!!
-Tim-